


Always more than enough

by swanqueen_vauseman



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Ali deserves better, Character Study, Hurt/Comfort, It really is more focused on Ali, sort of, we don't like Jill
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-03
Updated: 2017-08-03
Packaged: 2018-12-10 13:22:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11692509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swanqueen_vauseman/pseuds/swanqueen_vauseman
Summary: Not good enough to be on the any match, not good enough to get a gold medal, not good enough to even have her future on the team safe. After the match against Brazil in the ToN 2017, Ali wonders if she's even enough for anything.





	Always more than enough

**Author's Note:**

> A little late to the party, but I had so many feels and later I knew that Ali had cried at some point during the match and didn't stay to sign anything and just... Ugh, she deserves so much better and here's the result of those feelings. I don't know what's wrong with Jill that she doesn't see her potential. 
> 
> On with the show.

Ali walks back to her hotel room after returning from the game. She’s completely exhausted, even though she didn’t even play. Most of the rest of the team is out celebrating their comeback against Brazil, and though she is proud of her teammates, she just wants to be alone. She doesn’t know why today has hit her harder than every other day, she just needed to be alone, she didn’t even stay to sign after the game.

 

Closing the door, dropping her things right there on the floor, she rests herself on the door and just slides all the way down until she’s sitting. Ali hugs her legs and rests her head on top of her knees. She can feel the moisture behind her eyes, she can feel the sob in her throat refusing to let it out. She knows if she lets it out, she will break down.

 

Ali starts wondering what is she doing with her career. She is not worried about Orlando right now, though she knows she will eventually have to think about it. She wonders if it is worth it; she wonders if it is worth it continuing playing this sick game that Jill has going on. The coach said she had plans for her with the team, but she knows it was just a way to soften the punch aimed right to her face. Even after Rio, she was quite optimistic that she would have a chance to win a gold medal; now, she’s not even sure she will even get the call up for the World Cup qualifiers; hell, she’s not sure if she’s even going to make the roster for the next set of friendlies. She wonders if it is worth it continuing waiting for her 100th cap.

 

The worst thing is that she doesn’t know what she did in order to reach this state. Or better yet, what _didn’t_ she do. To reach this state of not knowing what her future with the national team will be; this state of being half-in and half-out of the team; this state of complete uncertainty and she wonders once more if it is worth it. Maybe it’s time. Maybe right now, is the best time to retire from international play with whatever pride and dignity she may still have. Ali thinks it’s not the worst of options. Of course she wants to keep playing for the national team, get another shot at another star, maybe even one more chance to a gold medal. But at what price?

 

Has she not work her ass off in Orlando? Has she not shown her speed, her resilience, her leadership? Why isn’t she enough to Jill? Does she not deserve to reach the 100 caps? All she has worked for, done for absolutely nothing?

 

Ali sees the screen of her phone light up, somewhere to her right. She grabs it and she can barely distinguish what it shows, noticing just now that a few tears are now covering her cheeks. It is a call, but she doesn’t bother to read the caller ID, she just answers and hopes she doesn’t sound like she’s been crying.

 

“Hello?” Ali says once she answers.

 

“Hey love.” Ashlyn’s voice comes through the speaker and Ali just breaks right there. Tears and sobs all come out and Ali can barely hear Ashlyn trying to sooth her with comforting words.

 

“Why am I not enough, Ash? What did I do?” Ali asks, desperate to know the answer.

 

“Hey no, stop it. You are enough, you have always done everything to get where you are and more. You are more than enough and you’ll always be.” Ashlyn says, sternly but with so much love in her voice.

 

“Then why do I feel as if I’m not good enough? Not good enough to get 100 caps, not good enough to get a gold medal, not even good enough to play 10 minutes.” Ali responds between sobs, as she’s wiping her tears though with no success at all.

 

“Oh Ali. The fact that Jill can’t see what you have to offer to the team is not your fault. Look at what you’ve done in Orlando, your first season here and you’ve already inspire all the gals here and compliments are flying from all over the places. It’s not your fault.” Ashlyn tried reasoning with her, as best as she could.

 

Ali stayed quiet after that, and the only sound coming from either of them were the sobs Ali was trying muffle. Ashlyn waited until Ali was ready to tell her what was really going on inside her head; there were cases when Ali just needed some time to set her thoughts straight and be honest about them.

 

“What if…” Ali took a deep breath an Ashlyn waited patiently. “What if it is time to retire from international play? Avoid the humiliation of not even getting to 100 caps, or any other way Jill might think of taking me out of the picture. Wouldn’t it be better?”

 

Ashlyn widened her eyes, though obviously Ali couldn’t see it. They of course had talked about retirement and starting a family but it was so far in the future that the question took Ashlyn completely off guard.

 

“Would you hate me if I retired now?” Ali asked with such a low and vulnerable voice that Ashlyn was pulled back to the conversations.

 

“Of course not. I could never hate you.” Ashlyn answered vehemently. “But if you think that retiring now is the best choice, then I’ll support 100%. If you want to wait until you get 100 caps, be that in five months or five years, and then retire, I’ll be there with you. If you want to see if you make the World Cup or the Olympic Roster, you have my full support. If you want to retire now and start looking over options of starting a family, I’ll be there every step of the way.”

 

Ali smiled softly. She couldn’t imagine her life without the goalkeeper, she always knew what to say to her and how to make her feel at least a little bit better. The tears were no longer falling and Ali had to thank Ashlyn for that.

 

“Thank you, Ash.” Ali whispered.

 

“Always, Alex. Get some sleep, you still have training tomorrow. I love you.” Ashlyn said.

 

“I love you too.” Ali responded and ended the call. For the first time in most of the day, she didn’t feel hopeless, she didn’t feel as if she were not enough. And although tomorrow would bring more challenges, she knew that she could get through them.

**Author's Note:**

> This was my way to deal with my feelings, so please please please no hate but constructive criticism is always encouraged and accepted. As well as kudos and comments.


End file.
